One Less Single Ray Child

So it's 0455 Hrs on Tuesday morning and I've been up since 0230 Hrs. Go ahead, ask me. Well, I've been up that long because my brother went and got hitched today (Monday night in the states) and since we couldn't fly home we web cam-ed with him. Oh what a night. They are cute together no doubt but how funny that my thoughts on marriage blog came just nights before he got married.

Cody asked me when I would get married, I told him who the heck knows! I don't. Right now there's a lot of stuff going on before I can/will get married. I.E. waiting for the guy who holds my heart to be with me and us both to be ready to make that huge leap in our life. Eh, a lot of posts on marriage lately huh? Not a good sign hahaha!!!

Thoughts on Marriage...

So after last weeks lesson I was talking with a fellow YSA while on my Dublin trip about marriage and what I thought about it. He has a strong desire TO be married. My desire, not so strong. He has always wanted to be married quickly and to start that family. Me, not so much.
We both agreed on one thing though. The immense need for love BEFORE the wedding.

I'm a huge skeptic of the whole 'love' thing which is why I know before I ever say yes while dressed in white I have to be completely in love with the guy. Not in lust, not thinking I love the guy, but totally and completely in love.

I want to be that couple that ten years after being married we are still making out in the park. I want to walk hand-in-hand down the halls of the church, in the stores, in the car. EVERYWHERE I want his hand in mine.

I don't want to feel that I have to get married which causes for rash decisions to be made. I want the world to know that I love the man I marry and I don't want to have to tell them. I want them to know just by looking at us. I want to console him in everyday choices that could affect either of us and I don't want to feel that I can't go to him about anything.

I want to talk to him everyday; even if his job takes him away from home I want to have at least an email sitting in my inbox or his waiting for the other to read it. I want to have no doubt in my mind that it's me he talks to about the serious things. I want to spend nights cooking dinner together and maybe it takes a little longer because we get lost in conversation about how the day was. Then I want to spend time after dinner talking for hours or just being held in each others arms not saying a word because of how comfortable we are with the silence.

I want him to know all of my secrets and my feelings. Anyone who knows me knows that I am not an easy nut to crack and it takes about 10 months before I even tell you my middle initial. It'll take a few years before you find out my birthday though.

I want to be so comfortable with the guy that I can allow myself to cry in front of him; I want him to be comfortable enough with me to allow me to cry until I'm ready to talk about what is driving me to tears.

Yeah, marriage is still a ways off; if you want to come you might have to find me in the afterlife. I don't want anyone freaking out about me posting this... DAD, MOM, TAWNI! I just figured with my lesson last week and the conversation this week I might have reason to post this blog. There are reasons as to why I'm not yet married and perfectly happy with that. I'm sure the Lord knew what he was getting into when I came to this earth and my stubborness of having to make CERTAIN it's the one I want to spend eternity with. Perhaps it is why he is allowing me to be blessed with health for so long; he doesn't want me to come back to heaven single. Could you imagine a single Sara in Heaven? Oh goodness!

A lesson that is sure to go wrong

So don't tell anyone, I should be planning a lesson I'm supposed to be giving in Relief Society TOMORROW but there are so many OTHER things to do, like....

Watch Australia!!! I know, I know, it's after mid-night but when I can't sleep, I can't sleep.

Or...

Find out who's blog-stalking me. A friend of mine showed me a way to check out who reads your blog and from WHERE! So in a way I'm blog-reader-stalking but it's so cool. Say for instance someone in Romania reads my blog (which they have!!) I can look onto my site, pull up the map and see from which city in Romania they read my blog from and on which day. This is really cool; I used to think NOBODY read my blog. Now look!!! My mother fears for me though with all the people from not only the US but 8-10 other countries, depending on which site, are reading my blog. I don't think she understands just how OK it is that I blog and leave it publicly open.

Or I could be...

Cleaning off my bed so I could go to sleep but it's a bunch of laundry and who wants to put away laundry after midnight?

Or I could...

Blog ABOUT preparing my lesson :)

I'm one of those people that actually gives an ok lesson or talk when it's been procrastinated. When a member of the bishopric asks me to give a talk in sacrament in 2 weeks I take that as meaning, "Will you prepare a talk during sacrament in two weeks and then give the talk after the sacrament has been blessed and passed?" Of course I say yes!!!

So with lessons, whether primary, Sunday school or Relief Society, I apply the same logic, prepare the lesson during the hour before. This month though I decided I should go against my normal mode of thinking and I began reading and preparing my lesson back in February.

Now some may say, "Wow, Sara, what on earth happened to make you go against your stubborn personality to actually READ it before the day of?" And I will tell you, "Well you see, I looked at the lesson for this month and KNEW I needed all the time and help I could get!!!"

These lessons were picked out before I even was asked to teach the lessons, but isn't it great how it seems the Lord is REALLY trying me? I would be lying if I said I didn't know why but whatever.

So go ahead, ask the follow-up question, ask: Sara, what on earth could the subject be to have you needing extra time? Oh, let me tell you...

CELESTIAL MARRIAGE!!!

Ok, you can stop laughing now... I tried so hard to plan this lesson in advance, but HOW? What do I know about the benefits of Celestial Marriage? Nothing from personal experience other than, 'it's important for your eternal salvation'... NOT THAT IT'S A BAD THING but I'm a YSA!!! Sure, the plan might be to make it to the temple some day but there is a reason that I'm still in the YSA club.
Everytime someone tells me they so would love to be at my wedding I just tell them they better find me in Heaven because with me, that might be when it takes place. But the above picture is of course the temple I so desire to be married in if that day comes. I know it doesn't matter which ONE you are married in, but do you think the Lord would let me be sealed in the afterlife in this temple too?

Tomorrows lesson might be a little interesting and require a LOT of class involvement. I wish there was a way we could record it and post it on youtube for some great laughs.

So if you are there I hope you enjoy, if not, ask me about it tomorrow and I'll tell you all about the lesson that is sure to go wrong.

Preparing to say DEUCES!!

Every day I wake up, get dressed, yell at Steph to get in the car, drive her to Seminary and then head into work. The work day usually involves a visit to my fellow secretary where we laugh and joke and gossip (it's what secretaries do!!). Among all of that though one thing is DEFINITE to come up... HOW MANY DAYS UNTIL THE TWO OF US LEAVE THE OFFICE/GERMANY!!!

Now, I was supposed to leave first. She wasn't set to PCS until November which meant me leaving in July I would be the FIRST to go. Well, come to find out her orders got moved up and lo-n-behold she's gone in May! NOOOOOOOO! She done stole my thunder! Now I'm the second to leave of the secretaries. Why such a big deal? We only have three secretaries in the office!

Well, come to find out half of my office is leaving with me or a little before. FOUR people are jetting out of here from an office that WHEN fully manned only has 11. DANG! HUGE turn over!

So to help me realize how long before I can say "DEUCES!" to Germany and the office I got a countdown!



Woohoo! I know, I'm a nut!

Sick and Tired

I am... are you? Sick and tired of re-reading my blogs and hearing how much I've been complaining. I'm done!!!

So here we go, a second new year's resolution; the first was to get back into school. So this second one is: Taking it one day at a time, not being so proud and moving on.

Alright, so the first one is pretty simple. Not planning too far ahead that I get stressed out or fail to enjoy the life I have here and now.

Second is probably the HARDEST! I grew up in a semi-proud family. We're the Rays! Get over it ;) so how I'm going to go about this is still taking some work. I don't think I'll be able to be the person that just throws her arms open and say, I need help; but perhaps it'll be more of me taking things in stride and not so put off when people do cross that line.

Third has already started to take place. Moving on from the past and into the new. It's like I've taken everything boxed it up and put a HUGE label on it: DON'T YOU DARE OPEN UNTIL YOU ARE ON YOUR DEATH BED. Yeah, I need to have that boundary otherwise I will NEVER accomplish the next goal in my life. This chapter of my life is over, MOVING ON!

So no more complaining. Well, less complaining. How about that?

Why I don't like it...

Some people just can't understand why I don't want to be told how proud they are of me. They just don't understand why when they say they are happy to see me every week it makes me mad. Well, I've thought about it and I really do think this is why.

People are telling me they are happy to see me at church; something I should be doing anyway. People tell me they are proud of me for doing something that had I not chosen something else I wouldn't have to be doing what I am now!!!

I can't be someone's 'hero' if I'm only their hero because I'm trying to fix past mistakes. I can't be someone for others to look up to if I shouldn't be that person had I not chosen to fall first and then struggle to climb back to the top.

Trunk Sales

Every day, whether rain or snow, shine or grey, you will see them out there. Trunks ajar with all kinds of patrons waiting for that ONE person. Men and women alike, spouses, active duty or civilians they don’t care! Old or young, fat or thin you’ll see them all there! Sitting in their cars reading a magazine or out socializing with other people it doesn’t matter, there all there for one thing and one thing only. This is no ordinary crowd… oh no, it’s Ramstein Yard Sales shoppers!

Every day for the past week or so I’ve driven by or to the Burger King on Ramstein and seen an amazing site. I call it pre-ordered trunk sale. Imagine hundreds of thousands of people from across the Military community based in Kaiserslautern, Germany, logging on to the website, ramsteinyardsales.com and searching for that rare 1986 concert poster depicting the Monkees. I mean c’mon, who doesn’t need that to complete their life? Now I won’t lie. I’ve become a fan myself. It’s on this site that you can buy 10 movies for $10. Or find that rare Disney classic DVD “Snow White and the Seven Dwarves” for $20 as opposed to the $30 Amazon is selling it for (without shipping and handling costs). Yep, I’m picking that DVD up this afternoon!!

I’ve seen some of the MOST random items on there as well though; an opened half empty bag of blow pops (ga’ll I hope none of them were USED). Plants, a car wash card for the local car wash and even transformers that no longer work. Hey, they do say one man’s trash is another man’s treasure but I didn’t know some of this stuff qualified.

I’ve used the site to sell beds, desks, text books and here really soon I’ll be working on getting rid of my TY beanies that I had growing up… any takers ;) haha

So no more early morning yard sales for me. Nope, if there isn’t a yardsales.com site wherever I move next I’m not going to waste my time driving from neighborhood to neighborhood looking. Maybe I’ll protest until Gilbert/Mesa gets one.

Coming to you live... Not really... Elder Robert D. Hales

Trivial knowledge, did you know he’s a retired AF Fighter Pilot? With that, on to the words of counsel!

So again I kind of went just to go and get out of the house; I’m trying to give everyone associated with the YSA Outreach Center a heart attack by showing up basically 3 times in a week.

HOW TO ALWAYS STAND FAITHFUL AND TRUE

-We are only able to stand faithful and true as we seek spiritual ‘high grounds’ in which we rise about the world and temptations

-Not only do we need to seek high grounds but we also need to maintain the high ground we achieve while working to go higher.

--Elder Hales told the story of Amalakiah and Lahonti. Lahonti had a fortress and was in prime position on a hill to be able to see Amalakiah’s men and army’s every move. Amalakiah wished to have Lahonti come from the fortress to overtake him; being a smart man Amalakiah sent a messenger to Lahonti asking him to come just outside his fortress so the two of them could talk. Lahonti refused the first time and remained in charge of his army and land while still on the high grounds. Amalakiah however would not give up and asked again and again. Finally Lahonti agreed and met with Amalakiah just outside his fortress.

It was here that Amalakiah offered Lahonti use of his armies if Lahonti would make Amalakiah second in command to him. For a while Lahonti continued to rule steadfast and strong but little by little he was dying off. Amalakiah was having one of his servants poison Lahonti until he finally died. It was at this point that Amalakiah gained control of all the Lamanite armies and land.

---In this story Lahonti is us and Amalakiah is Satan.

----Succumbing to the will of Satan may give us peace at first but it is only short lived and eventually will be the cause of our own destruction. We will constantly be tried and tempted to break the commandments but all these things are meant to strengthen us and will be for our own good. When we fall it afflicts others; not only ourselves.

SO MANY DEPEND ON US TO BE HONEST AND WORTHY AND CHASTE

-Keep in mind this was a fireside meant mainly for YSAs so Elder Hales went on to say, “CHOICES WE MAKE NOW WILL DETERMINE IF WE ARE WORTHY OF OUR FUTURE COMPANION AND CHILDREN.” Yeah, ouch, as if that didn’t hurt!

STAY WORTHY AND IT WILL NOT MATTER IF WE ARE MARRIED OR NOT IN THE AFTER LIFE (I think that goes back to a previous post of mine and the comment Sis Oaks made about having a mission and purpose to being single. The Lord will use you if you are worthy.

-If present friends are taking you from the strait and narrow do not remain close to them. Do not allow the mocking of those that chose the great and spacious building to deter you from the path of righteousness.

STAYING ON HIGH GROUND REQUIRES DESIRE AND STRENGTH

-How can I achieve this?

--Have the desire to gain that status

--Cultivate an atmosphere of spirituality

--Read your scriptures to help strengthen yourself and future home and family

--Faith in the Lord: Exercise it

---As we exercise our faith in the Lord we will mature and grow.

--TRUST in the Lord

--Maintain a close relationship with the Holy Ghost. He will give you strength, revelation and guidance to stay on that high ground

---DO NOT DO ANYTHING TO LOSE THE GUIDANCE/COMPANIONSHIP OF THE HOLY GHOST

HIGH GROUNDS REQUIRE OBEDIENCE

-With the Spirit comes light. Satan is the Lord of Darkness and cannot stand where light is.

Elder Hales then made an unexpected turn if you ask me and started focusing on repentance. He said, “You do not want to live your life with regrets of disobedience.”

OF ALL THE WORDS IN THE WORLD, THE SADDEST OF THESE ARE: IT MIGHT HAVE BEEN.

The Fourth Step of Repentance is to FORGIVE OURSEVLES and the Lord, God, will not call it to mind.

-We cannot progress through this life and into the next if we do not forgive ourselves (but man, it’s just SOOOOO HARD!)

Elder Hales then shared thoughts with us that being the youngest in the family made it easy for him because he learned from his older siblings and was able to see the wrong doing and consequences and tell himself, don’t want to do that one! That thought brought out this thought from me: DO I DO THINGS IN MY LIFE THAT CAUSES MY SIBLINGS TO SAY: I DON’T WANT TO DO THAT OR BE LIKE HER? Wouldn’t that be the biggest slap in the face? The answer to the question regarding my siblings is probably YES which causes for a great desire to be better.

Elder Hales pointed out some things we need to work on now before we get in that situation of a couple and having to think/worry about others in our life.

REFRAIN FROM GAINING DEBT

-When we become indebt we give up our sense of Free Agency having to make decisions or cut backs to repay those debts.

--Of course he echoed the churches standings on education debts being the only debts you should be ok with incurring; that too though requires management and needs to be used for the bettering of yourself and education.

--When you finally have reached that point of marriage and companionship it is important to express those words of endearment, I love you, but also the four words of love, we can’t afford it.

We need to be self-disciplined in order to better our future families, we must raise ourselves up to high grounds so that we may reach down and lift others up without allowing them to pull us down.

PROVIDENT LIVING

-Temple is the HIGHEST ground we will be able to reach while in this life.

-At the temple:

--What is written on Earth is written in Heaven

--What is sealed on Earth is sealed in Heaven

--What is made covenant on Earth is made covenant in Heaven

--It is a place we can ponder and pray

--It is a place we can pour out our desires and cares to receive spiritual guidance.

BLESSINGS OF A FAMILY WILL COME TO ALL THE FAITHFUL, WETHER IN THIS LIFE OR THE NEXT

-Successful Couples:

--Know WHO they are and set goals to return to God

--Know DOCTRINES of GOSPEL and Keep COVENANTS

--CHOOSE to REMAIN SPIRITUAL and seek to become less worldly

--Know that they have been SEALED for ETERNITY and they need NOT look FURTHER

--Think of OTHER before SELF. Keep COMMUNICATION lines OPEN.

--Speak KIND WORDS and work to not hurt the ones they love. Successful couples KNOW that they will not be nicer in Heaven.

How blessed we are to have living apostles on this Earth, even if sometimes the counsel they provide hits us right where it hurts.

To Walk or Not To Walk...

That is the question... and the answer, is quite simple: Not to walk!

I just received in the mail my commencement package for UMUC--Europe congratulating me on my milestone event of finishing my degree and inviting me to graduation ceremonies. Yeah, I'm not going to walk.

Reasons for not walking:
-It's just my AA and I don't see that as a reason to walk. Don't get me wrong, I think an AA is great but it's not really the end of my educational goals.
-It's UMUC and again, not the school I want to be known as a 'graduate' from.
-I'd have to drive down to Heidelberg and spend all day Saturday there. Not that that's horrible, but eh.
-I would know NOBODY that I would join in walking. I might be able to look around the entire auditorium and see one or two persons that I took a couple classes with, but nobody that I spent the past years with in class as we all tried to finish up our degree (I think I'm one of two persons who worked on an Associates in German).


Reasons to walk:
-My family. More than likely my family will not be able to make it back to the states to watch me walk at ASU (IF I decide to walk there).
-I'd get some fun pics of me in a graduation cap and gown! Let's face it, taking pictures in a cap and gown would be AWESOME!!! Get to dork around and just have fun... but then again I could just order the gown and take pictures without having to walk!!! I think I'll do that :)

So I'm curious... of those who earned their degree, did you walk? If you didn't, why not? If you did, was it fun?

Of those who haven't earned a degree what are your thoughts?

I'd love to hear everyone's thoughts!

Re-blog: Protected Heart

Don't you just love those blogs that as soon as you finish writing and start to re-read it to make sure it makes sense you feel the need to delete it all and start anew? Yeah, I so just did that; I need a word for it... How about re-blogging haha!

Ok, so I'm re-blogging; I was on here griping and complaining more about why I felt I didn't want to go to church anymore and I was saying I finally found the reason but as soon as I read it again I just HAD to delete it. I'll keep those thoughts to myself.

So in my re-blog I turn my thoughts once again to a spiritual manner of some sorts. And of course I can't find the quote that I had in mind; but Sunday in RS Sis Robertson shared (what I thought was a quote) a thought along the basic lines of having Christ like love toward all in order to improve our tongues to be a tongue of angels. WOWZERS! So all in one weekend I've been slapped around quite a few times with things I need to improve on starting with the fireside and moving on to Relief Society.

She asked for some thoughts and while I had some I did not share because in all honesty I didn't want to make anyone feel uncomfortable. This Christ like love is an important aspect for me to improve on because I know I personally have a problem with that; especially the love part. I've noticed that those people I am close to and have a great amount of love for I can almost say no wrong about or to. But those that have offended me or that I feel less close to I tend to build my wall around my heart even higher.EXAMPLE: Two people can say the exact same thing either to me or to my mother about wanting to be there for me. One of them I'm close to the other not so much and I will actually get mad at the one I'm not close to because I feel they are only looking for a service project. This has happened and I just wish people would respect the 50 foot boundary I've built around my heart.

I told someone on Sunday that I get mad at people like that, and have even said somethings to them, because it seems like they only want to be here when they think I could become their 'project'. I remember after someone told me they know 'exactly' what is going on with me I actually turned to them and said, "And you are.... No seriously, why do you all the sudden want to throw yourself into my life? Looking for brownie points for taking on the more difficult 'one'?" That's the side of me I want to learn to tame so I don't feel bad later.

At the same time though I've had people say the same thing to me, and a learned Sara asked them what they meant by it and they didn't answer. I asked them specifically to tell me what they THOUGHT was going on with me and I got NO answer (I asked a lot nicer than that sounds). Stuff like that really makes me suspect that they only want me to think they KNOW so I will divulge my life's secrets to them.

I'm a closed off person. I tend to tell people that I have 'guy feelings' not girl feelings. People ask me how I am and instead of saying, fantastic or wonderful or any of those other labeled female answers I say simply, 'fine'. I got a huge headache, nope I'm fine. I'm freezing cold and can't find a blanket, nope I'm fine. I just got a huge raise at work and paid vacation to go on all my trips!, nope I'm fine. I just get my new puppy ripped from my arms to live with someone else, nope I'm fine. Fine explains it enough.

I'll try to work on that whole Christlike love thing; but I really wish people would just let ME move on with my life. I don't bring up their past mistakes or current trials so let me take the first steps I need to in order to move on too. I guess I really wouldn't be so skeptical of people if they would say the things they are to ME instead of going to my mother, my RS president or even the Bishop.

Again, I'm going to get a lot of emails or phone calls from Bishop (dad) and other Bishop, close friends and maybe not so close friends either telling me they want to do lunch or chastising me telling me I need to soften my heart. BRING IT ON :) haha!

This blog is a lot of ADD in action. But I think it all relates. It's just something I need to work on why I feel that way in the first place. I dunno. I hope I'm not the only one who feels that there need to be some boundaries, maybe not 50 foot boundaries but respect and sincerity.