A night of REFLECTION...

Tonight marks the end of the first week I have been back in Mesa, AZ. After spending the last 3 months in Eagar, AZ, working on my internship so I can graduate (May 13, 2011!!) and the 3 months prior to that worried about finishing my internship, I finally completed it and turned in all documents needed in order to say, "I, Sara Ray, am done with ANOTHER degree!"

As my time at the White Mountain Regional Medical Center (WMRMC) Physical Therapy clinic came to an end I found myself a mess of emotions. I was excited to be moving on with my life. I was sad to say goodbye to some really amazing and talented people. I was eager to see where life's journey would take me next. Most of all, however, I found myself anticipating that the next few months of my life were going to bring something truly amazing and I was excited for that next step.

As I arrived in the valley the week did not go as planned. The man who I was talking to as a reference for jobs has seemingly disappeared and the amount of jobs I was promised would be out there was highly dramatized. Ok, yes, I did land a job interview the second day I was in the valley but I am still waiting for so much still to come!

Coming down to the valley I knew I had to change things. I could not continue to live as I had. I have changed so much in the last 6 months and I wanted to continue with that progress. I am changing my social life, I have changed what I want in life and I am working on changing how I work towards certain goals.

Tonight I had a night of no plans. I laid in the house watching movies and TV then realized it'd be a great night to go to the temple. So, off I went...

It was such a lovely night. The sun was still setting and so the colors of the valley sky mirrored those of the reflection pool. Whenever I go to the temple I always sit on the same bench as I ponder certain things of life. Tonight was no different.

I went tonight to discover answers of questions I've had now for some time. What should I do to find work?... Am I headed in the right direction with choices I am making?... What do I need to do for the next year or five?... Will I have the patience to endure the wait?... Will I have the strength to overcome the trials at hand?... What all is required of me?

I will not lie, a large part of why I went to the temple tonight was because what young single female would like to be at home alone on a Saturday night? As I was driving to Mesa I will admit that I was hoping I could sit on the bench and something amazing would happen and all my problems could be solved. I am sad to say that did NOT happen.

I did not receive all the answers I was wanting. I do not know where I should go to find work. I hope that I am making the right choices. I can only imagine that I know what I need to do for the next year or five. I doubt I will have the patience to endure the wait. I am hopeful to have the strength to overcome all trials I have to face and only time will show all the Lord will require of me.

I wanted so badly to shed tears of pain and sorrow. To pour out my heart to the Lord of my sadness of loneliness, seclusion and uncertainty, yet no tears would escape my eyes. I tried to plead with God to grant me solace in my many trials hoping that every tear shed would somehow take away a little piece of the anxiety I feel for my life at times.

I did, however, feel accomplished for the night as I walked back to my car at the end of the night. I sat on "my" bench and watched as people walked in and out of the temple doors. I saw men and women of all ages. I can only assume that some were married, some were dating the person they were with and some were single at this moment of their life much like myself. I saw children and parents walk the temple ground and talk about reverence and the temple.

I miss having the temple present in my life. I have decided that although I do not have a way to regularly attend the temple, I will continue to visit the temple grounds. I want to walk the grounds with people I care about. I hope one day to walk out of the temple doors dressed in white, surrounded by family and donning a new name. I pray that I will continue the temple tradition and maintain a regularity of seeing the temple.

I wish the night could have ended with more revelation about my concerns, however, I do still hold the hope of greatness to come and cannot wait until everything I am working towards is nigh and mine for the taking.