Ok, so I'm re-blogging; I was on here griping and complaining more about why I felt I didn't want to go to church anymore and I was saying I finally found the reason but as soon as I read it again I just HAD to delete it. I'll keep those thoughts to myself.
So in my re-blog I turn my thoughts once again to a spiritual manner of some sorts. And of course I can't find the quote that I had in mind; but Sunday in RS Sis Robertson shared (what I thought was a quote) a thought along the basic lines of having Christ like love toward all in order to improve our tongues to be a tongue of angels. WOWZERS! So all in one weekend I've been slapped around quite a few times with things I need to improve on starting with the fireside and moving on to Relief Society.
She asked for some thoughts and while I had some I did not share because in all honesty I didn't want to make anyone feel uncomfortable. This Christ like love is an important aspect for me to improve on because I know I personally have a problem with that; especially the love part. I've noticed that those people I am close to and have a great amount of love for I can almost say no wrong about or to. But those that have offended me or that I feel less close to I tend to build my wall around my heart even higher.
EXAMPLE: Two people can say the exact same thing either to me or to my mother about wanting to be there for me. One of them I'm close to the other not so much and I will actually get mad at the one I'm not close to because I feel they are only looking for a service project. This has happened and I just wish people would respect the 50 foot boundary I've built around my heart.I told someone on Sunday that I get mad at people like that, and have even said somethings to them, because it seems like they only want to be here when they think I could become their 'project'. I remember after someone told me they know 'exactly' what is going on with me I actually turned to them and said, "And you are.... No seriously, why do you all the sudden want to throw yourself into my life? Looking for brownie points for taking on the more difficult 'one'?" That's the side of me I want to learn to tame so I don't feel bad later.
At the same time though I've had people say the same thing to me, and a learned Sara asked them what they meant by it and they didn't answer. I asked them specifically to tell me what they THOUGHT was going on with me and I got NO answer (I asked a lot nicer than that sounds). Stuff like that really makes me suspect that they only want me to think they KNOW so I will divulge my life's secrets to them.
I'm a closed off person. I tend to tell people that I have 'guy feelings' not girl feelings. People ask me how I am and instead of saying, fantastic or wonderful or any of those other labeled female answers I say simply, 'fine'. I got a huge headache, nope I'm fine. I'm freezing cold and can't find a blanket, nope I'm fine. I just got a huge raise at work and paid vacation to go on all my trips!, nope I'm fine. I just get my new puppy ripped from my arms to live with someone else, nope I'm fine. Fine explains it enough.
I'll try to work on that whole Christlike love thing; but I really wish people would just let ME move on with my life. I don't bring up their past mistakes or current trials so let me take the first steps I need to in order to move on too. I guess I really wouldn't be so skeptical of people if they would say the things they are to ME instead of going to my mother, my RS president or even the Bishop.
Again, I'm going to get a lot of emails or phone calls from Bishop (dad) and other Bishop, close friends and maybe not so close friends either telling me they want to do lunch or chastising me telling me I need to soften my heart. BRING IT ON :) haha!
This blog is a lot of ADD in action. But I think it all relates. It's just something I need to work on why I feel that way in the first place. I dunno. I hope I'm not the only one who feels that there need to be some boundaries, maybe not 50 foot boundaries but respect and sincerity.
2 comments:
Sara, do you wanna go to lunch?? I think you need to soften your heart! Now, I hope you are laughing a little. Now a serious side note, I have found that many church members automatically consider you as close as family just based on your membership. Really, that is a big jump for me and for them to assume that works. We are all different, different personalities, different likes/dislikes, different manners which is why life is so great and not boring. BUT that doesn't mean that just because you are a member of the church that we are going to be best friends. You still have to earn and receive that friendship just like everyone else in the world. SO, don't feel bad if you don't connect to some. They probably do have good intentions, 99% of them, but you are entitled to your boundaries! BUT I also believe it is bad karma to hold things in, find someone that works and let them in! Everyone needs and deserves at least one shoulder to cry on!
Oh, I love LESLIE!!! Somehow I knew if ANYONE was going to do that it would be you! ;)
I am letting things out... blogging about it is the ONLY way I know how haha! I'm working on it though.
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